Finding my Faith
Growing up, I was never forced to have a relationship with God and honestly I was far too busy with sports or school to even think about having a relationship with him. My great-grandma used to sign my brothers and I up for vacation bible school but I never really connected with that church and didn’t really find it necessary to continue my relationship with God.
I had faith in Him but never really gave a chance to explore my faith and love for Him. Starting my senior year of high school was when I really started to questions God’s intentions in my life. I began to question why He would let a teacher in authority verbally abuse me to the point where I stopped showing up to school. I was lost for words at this act of bullying that instead of doing something about it, I continued to let this hate take over my life. I had plans on attending the Air Force Academy but let myself get so sick that I could no longer pass a fitness test that I could so easily pass before. With everything that happened my senior year, I really began to question if I was even worth God’s love, I had been told that I had already thrown my future away so I slowly began to give up on myself and any chances of a future.
My life began to spiral from there, I spent my first year of college hidden in my dorm room because I was so beyond sick that nothing I did helped. I spent my birthday in the hospital and started to get into fights with my parents for no reason. Many times, I ended up spending holidays or long weekends in my dorm because my parents didn’t want me home. During the summer, I though things were getting better. I felt like I was getting better, I didn’t feel as sick but I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t keep food down and any vitamins or medications I was taking, my body rejected anything and everything that went into my system.
When I got diagnosed with cancer, I hated God for this, I hated that he chose me to have to fight this cancer when I was barely hanging on as it was. I let Satan get the best of me and honestly, at that point, I didn’t want anything to do with God at all. I fought my way through treatments for my family and that was it. When treatments were over, never in a million years did I think I was going to face my toughest battle yet, my mind.
Depression and PTSD come with many side effects for me it was vividly remembering every little detail in my life, no motivation and really just not wanting to listen to anyone. By July of last year, I had made up my mind that I was going to move out of my parents house and just wanted to live on my own. I didn’t want to be told what to do and there was no way I was going to take another second of it. Problem was, when you’re in your early twenties, living on your own is not easiest thing to do. I was over the fighting with my sister, with my brothers and with my parents. My depression made it hard for me to see anything in a positive way and I took my anger out on everyone at home. I went from living in my home for 15 years to feeling as if I was living in a strangers house.
As I continued to struggle with my depression and PTSD, I had managed to push everyone away and isolate myself. I stopped talking at home and constantly listened to music to drown out the negative voices in my head. I didn’t go to work because I didn’t want my coworkers to see how bad this darkness affected me. I shut all my emotions off and really started to hate myself. I hated that I couldn’t be happy and didn’t know why. I hated that I had no passion or love anymore and honestly I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I couldn’t stand looking at the stranger in my body.
I remember asking my aunt the day before if I could go with her, thinking that it wouldn’t kill me to go to church and it wouldn’t hurt to see if I could hear God’s message. What happened next was honestly the most moved I had ever felt and I couldn’t believe what had happened. On August 26th, 2018 I was saved by God’s message and I instantly felt the darkness, that was built up, in my heart, lift up and for the first time in a long time, I felt alive.
The service was about a Breakthrough and the story of David. I was so moved by this service that I put my love and faith into God and was moved far beyond the darkness that was entangled in my heart. God saved my life that day and it was all because I decided to make that change. I remember my Pastor asking “Are you willing to praise God even if He doesn’t breakthrough?” And as I was sitting there I decided that I am willing to praise God and all that He has to offer no matter what happens. From here on out, it is me and God and I am going to put Him first.
Finding my faith was a journey and I have learned how to walk in step with God. I have been going to church for six months now and I have never been happier and have never been so set on my path for life. I pray daily, read my bible daily, and put God before everything and everyone, including myself. I struggled my entire life with self-love and self-worth but learning to put God into every aspect of my life, I am and feel like such a better person.
Thank you for reading about my journey on finding my faith. There are still times when I am not 100% putting God first and I do notice it. I have built a stronger relationship with God and it has not only made my self-love and self-worth stronger but it has also helped my relationship with my parents and siblings healthier and stronger. Knowing that I have God by my side and giving me guidance has saved my life and I am finally happy again.